For anyone who’s been reading here lately, you’ll know that last week was a tough one for me. I came out with some bold admissions that I had hit major roadblocks in building my social media consulting business. People were balking at my rates, flaking on meetings and generally unready to do much more than talk. Which is fine except I don’t do the hard sell. I don’t cold call. My entire business is built on referrals, which mean people come to me, knowing something about what I do, and with the understanding that I am in business.
But the really tough part about last week was that I had to confront my biggest fears, and a few of the posts alluded to what they are. I wasn’t really ready to talk about it openly, and even now have some major hesitations, but what has prompted me to open up is the following:
- Over the past week, the engagement and support for the blog with regards to traffic and other metrics (retweets, post-blog commentary, new followers, Facebook shares) have grown appreciably. I am now at new baseline metrics for unique followers and pageviews, something I’ll be working even harder to maintain and continue to grow.
- As much as I appreciate the above, what really struck me was the comments I received. The outpouring of support, of peers saying they had all felt the same way, and that I had given voice to their own concerns, that was the real gravy for me. And its providing me the succor I need to continue growing here on this blog, before your very eyes.
What last week’s posts were about, in short, was money. And not having enough of it. This is perhaps my biggest fear. For someone who left the world of finance a few years ago, it might strike you as odd to hear that money is what keeps me awake at night. That’s not really the case actually. Nothing keeps me awake. I sleep like a baby. It’s more my conscious waking hours where my brain is in overdrive for 18 hours that I have to worry about.
I was provoked by a very good friend of mine that in fact, I wasn’t really worried about money, in and of itself. They implied that my fears were deeper than just simply paying the rent and making a decent living.
They were dead right.
My biggest fear is not that I won’t have enough money to live my life as I want to live it. My biggest fear is that without money I don’t have value as a human being. Perhaps now you can see why I was hesistant to share this with you. I sound disgusting. I sound so vile and shallow. I sound pathetic.
Well if that is the way I sound to myself, and, at first glance, that is exactly how I felt, I can only imagine how you might feel reading this about me. Alas, there it is.
But I think I can give you a little more color, and perhaps be treated a bit more kindlier by you, if I delve just a few inches deeper here. The fear that I have is that without money I don’t have value, not simply because, but because it is such an essential part of myself to be generous, to give what I have, to share, to treat. I like picking up tabs. I like helping out friends. I don’t necessarily have expensive habits with regards to clothing or travel. But I like to eat well and I spend money on the gym and yoga. I live in an expensive city. It adds up as we all know.
But things get really complicated when we add women in to the occasion. For all my bluster as a social media lothario (its all an act by the way) I like to take women out. I like to treat women a certain way and for me, that means always treating, always giving, spoiling. It’s been hard dating these past few years because even when I meet and get comfortable with women I feel like I am shortchanging them because I can’t do everything I want with them. I can’t take them out for as many dinners and drinks as I would like to. I can’t treat them to the theater or to concerts. And because I can’t I find reasons to excuse myself from the relationship.
This may seem silly to you. It seems silly to me, and yet its paralyzed me in some ways. Why can’t I just be honest with people? Why can’t I just be myself? Why can’t I realize that I have value with or without money? What is wrong with me?
I don’t know the answers to these questions. But what I have now done is gotten really honest with myself and now with you. And the reason I am doing so is because I want to discover what it is about myself that has put me in the position I currently am in. And I want to find the ways to move forward. Consider this the first step. And thank you, as always, dear reader, for listening, for reading, for commenting, for sharing, for supporting. Maybe it’s because I feel so loved that I am finally ready to confront these personal issues.
Image Source: James Cridland on Flickr
{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }
So just like every other thing we feel you on, would it really suprise you to hear…me too! Nah didn’t think so. I’ve been having this convo with my mom and sadly, a lot has to do with what “they” say. But who is they and why does it matter? The world we live in stresses and values so much on money so its only natural.
Try to focus on the positive. You’re breathing, you’re healthy, ur paying rent on ur own, ur dating! So you can’t wisk her away to saint barts for the weekend but any girl in her right mind would and should not date you for those things. Not to sound like a jewish mother (who clearly raised you right).
Its hard, especially when you realize your 25plus, went through college, don’t have a full-time job, any savings, and basically no security or plan. But what can you do? Keep on keepin on!
and just like clockwork, love and support. Thanks becca. You are a true friend. I’ll let the full on freak out occur this summer when I near my 30th bday!!
oh, and i do have a bit of savings left!!
srsly though thanks thanks thanks. i can now rest tonight in peace!! CIAO baby!
I have been sitting at the “leave a comment” box for the last couple of minutes a little dumbfounded because this post was so unexpected. I haven’t caught your last couple of posts (sorry!) so I’m not sure how you “alluded” to your growing concerns. So, being a pretty regular reader, I’m taken off guard. . . .speechless, so to say, but knowing I needed to respond.
I am stunned because your ability to articulate your ideas in the written word has been a huge source of inspiration to me, especially as it relates to the integration of social media in the art world. I was so excited to find someone who, not only thought along the same lines, but was creative and bold enough to create content that I was willing to regularily read. And, my appreciation of your work was not just for your ideas, but for your bold, sometimes controversial approach. I admire that. You are who you are, risking possible rejection by more conservative corporate prospects, to live what you believe. I loved it . . inspiring on so many levels.
So, this post rattled my idea of you for a minute . .and then I realized . . you are still doing what you’ve always done, you are just experiencing a period of self doubt and questioning your values. You are still the same creative writer, you are an artist! Dude, we all have our bad days.
And, then I saw your comment that your are nearing your 30th birthday. Now, I’m getting the bigger picture. . .and, I have to say “Chill out!” It’s good that you are experiencing, albeit somewhat uncomfortable, a moment of introspection and re-evaluation. 30 is a really good age to go through that . . and, guess what, you’ll do it again. Why? . .because you are a thinker, a visionary, and all artists are a tiny bit tourtured . .nothing will ever be perfect, there will alway be a way to improve everything. Recognize that discerning approach to life, your job, money situation, really to everything as a strength, not a weakness! Appreciation of the good times are never as sweet as they could be if you haven’t struggled through some hard times.
So, bravo, again for this delivery of creative, intriguing and relevant content!! What do you need to change to create a situation that will make you happy…all that takes is a little research, a plan and an execution, problem solved. . . then, of course tell us what you decided to do and how it goes!!
Sorry to hear your a little down . .that does suck . . but, normal and passing, I think. I wish you a speedy bounce back! Stacie
I absolutely love your work . .would love to meet you in person someday!! Get the girls to pay once in a while . .there’s nothing wrong with that . .or do something cheap . .I know you can be creative!!
Stacie
Thank you so much for this, and I am so grateful that you decided to hit that “reply” button after all. I read this comment late last night as I was dozing off and honestly it may be the best comment I have ever received on my blog. Thank you so much. I know that some of what I said must seem outrageous, but considering where and how I grew up, in the belly of the beast, so to speak, I know that has resonance to my peers and friends.
Thank you so much for the support and the kind words on my writing. I’ll continue to flush this out for all to see. I’ve already evolved so much as a writer and hope to continue this growth.
Z
Um. like, sometimes watching silly cartoons and eating granola (albeit fancy, hemp granola) is way better than slurges at Per Se and performances at the Met.
HA!
You certainly are not alone. My sister and I are often paralyzed by money — and I think this is common for a certain breed of gen X (?). My parents were raised with limited means by immigrants, they paid their way through college (1st to attend), grad school etc. Visibly as children we noticed when our family became middle class, then upper middle class. Failure in my eyes is directly associated to not having money, my sister too! We are both working to overcome this vapid mindfuck. I admire you for quitting your finance job and taking a risk — a great step to concurring your fears. Also see L’argent de poche by Truffaut if you have not already.
Maya
thanks for coming by. In all honesty I got fired from finance, just simply decided to leave it at that as opposed to looking for another dead end job. I don’t know what it is about our generation. I just know that something is eating away at our souls when we chase money for nothing. We are such a smart and talented generation and yet we cannot get over conventional concerns and see the larger value we all have. I am as guilty as anyone!
Z
Percieved intrinsic value of ourselves is a very complicated thing. I know after talking to you that we share a common experience, the experience of ridicule and non admittance or if you will simply not fitting our own perception of ourselves at the start of our lives. Then We were lied to zach. We were told money was the gauge and the game was on. Get the money get the girl get the power. But we were too smart. Somewhere along the line you have a rude awakening. That awakening is enlightenment. Generosity is a beautiful thing but when you realize that it can cloud up your life and actually “protects” you from real intimacy. I used it to keep people close. And it doesn’t mean people didn’t adore me for me as well (they did) it was from within myself and that little boy who was never comfortable with his physical image and self worth that was more comfortable covering “all” the possible bases of acceptance. When your are smart you leave nothing to chance. And when you had the experience and perception of the outsider at a young age (and this may not of been true in reality) and you thought you should have always been the alpha because of your own pure intelligence you compensate by “overdoing it” in certain aspects. I have always worked and always made money. Recently my wealth has disappeared and I too experience the same things. It hits me hard because I now really have to take a hard look at myself and why I allow money to be so integral to my percieved value. Your value zach is in your mind and in your soul. Who you are is right here spread out in your words and your honesty. You are having a breakthrough right now. You are not going to protect yourself anymore with your wealth and your gifts. Now you are going to delve deeper. It is only when a man has lost everything he has put up front to protect himself that he can see his true nature clearly. When I first met you you gave me a chocolate heart. Very unexpected. Very sweet. But it was the way you gave it to me and others in front of me that was striking. It was done like something you just always sorta do. Like it was a routine for you. That kinda took the value out of the gesture except I saw the boy in you then and there. I saw myself and what I went thru. I saw your humanity and your problem written above in one fell swoop. Giving as “routine” as you say often “squares the circle” for you. It’s you dotting i’s and crossing “t’s” but it’s really not needed because your value runs way deeper. It’s enough just to get to know you. It has to be enough. And you know what? If it’s not enough for anyone? Fuck ‘em.
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I applaud your honesty.
Being in a different set of shoes (age, gender, economics) and looking back…I can say many of the greatest achievements in the arts are born in struggle. Consider childbirth itself. Pause also to consider that you may be accomplishing your greatest work so far in this state!
I resonate with your values and want to put you in remembrance of the rule of thumb – ‘give what you have in abundance’ aka ‘sow and reap’. Remember, attitude or intention makes a difference.
I recently joined a book club of women in business. I for personal motivation but the others to succeed in business. The first book was the classic ‘Think and Grow Rich’ by Napolean Hill. I found it dated but was attracted by its history and foundation. Now we are on the followup ’17 Principles’ by the same author.
In reading ‘fear’ I reach back to you with advice I would offer my son; that is to visit/revist some classic works to jump start or leap frog from where you are to where you want to land.
Happy Trails, KC
KC again, seems like your are taking a big gulp today! much obliged. Last night I saw the Tempest in Brooklyn. I don’t know how or why, but something about seeing live theater gave me the strength to come home and write what I did above. There is something essential to my soul that needs to give give give, even beyond what I can or should.
I am going to take your advice and run with it.
thanks
Aha! NOW I understand the context of your tweet from last night, when you were lamenting the idea of people “picking your brain” for free…
And, for what it’s worth, you and I are in the same boat — except I’m almost 33 and I’ve been in a relationship for 5 years. But I still don’t make the kind of money that erases all doubts about the future, nor do I perpetually have a stack of cash just waiting to be spent frivolously on my friends and girlfriend (although I sure wish I did).
But I’m making more money this year than I did last year, and so on, and so on.
Growth happens, as long as your habits aren’t counter-productive. Sure, you’ll have dry patches, but if your business is referral-based AND you’re good at what you do, someone will always need you. The key is to be easily found and justifiably priced, so there’s no doubt about what you’re capable of or what you’re worth.
Once you ace every job you get, you’ll find it’s easier to A) get more referrals, and B) become more efficient, which frees up your excess time for making yourself even MORE easily-discoverable and MORE valuable. It’s a perpetual cycle of improvement, and your finances and peace of mind will steadily increase as you go.
Just stick to your plan; everything else will take care of itself.
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Bravo Zach, for keeping it real as you always do. As mentioned in other posts, many of us unintentionally use money as a yard stick for self-worth. Its really just clothing that hides our naked soul, and you are peering into the mirror lately. Its not what you do, its who you are that matters.
As I’ve said to you before, social media is just relationship technology. It becomes a mirror of how we show up in relationship (and the dysfunctions that come with that). Being generous is great. Feeling guilty about not being generous enough, is perhaps an issue again about self-worth. Nobody is immune from this including me. There are plenty of times where I’ved lacked confidence and trying to shower others with my time, affection, expertise in the hopes of “not being rejected”.
Being controversial or outspoken is just a defense mechanism for a lot of us. It lets us act out, and gives us a rationalization for why some people might reject us. Trust me, I know that story far too well.
I just “want to be loved”…but stay away please, or you might get hurt or disappointed…I just want you to know what you’re getting yourself into here. Ha! Such is the dance, push/pull of intimacy so many of us struggle with.
But perhaps I disgress here. Lets talk money again. People will value you as much as you value yourself. So sure, I give away tons of content, expertise, and time – because I genuinely care. I don’t sweat the small stuff, I’m not a hard-nosed negotiator. I also am very comfortable about charging very respectable fees (i.e. not cheap) for my consulting services and learning programs. I know the value that I offer and how unique it is.
You need to package that for people into a story they can buy into. We all you’re smart, super smart…remind us, what can I hire you to do? Why do I need this? How does this connect to my needs? If you’re in the business of innovation, you have to educate prospects in how to buy from you. They don’t know – the burden of proof is on you.
forgot to respond to this. Michael thank you so much you are a true friend and a visionary. I am so lucky to have met you and to have you in my corner. Let me know when you need your corner tended to
Wow, that was really unexpected. Glad you posted it – I think everyone appreciates the honesty, and it’s reassuring to know that everyone has their fears and insecurities regardless of the confident face we front online. Thanks for putting it out there. And don’t worry, the $ will come…most entrepreneurs don’t get out of the red for 5 years, so you’re probably doing better than you think.
thanks cindy!! really appreciate that outlook
95% percent of people who don’t care for money are affluent. The other 5% are perpetually broke. That you want to shower women with kindness and gifts means you’re a nice guy. I know your hearts in the right place.
Hope you keep working at your advisory business, these things tend to command a hockey stick trajectory if you can work through the incubation. An old boss taught me to say one thing to my clients, and that’s ‘I’m not cheap.’ Your rates aren’t usurious, and your clients can expect an ROI on their investment in your expertise.
Best,
Cass
Cassel, I ain’t gonna give up on this. I believe in my heart and soul that there is something here, a business, a career for myself and value for the people and companies I am helping. Thanks for the support and for the advice.
I agree if I can make it through the first year, or even 6 months, I can make this work.
Z
My first reaction is to applaud your honesty. My second reaction is that you are so much stronger than you realize. And my third reaction is to say that you probably already realize.
Zach my new friend you have the soul of, dare I say it, an artist, the mind of a philosopher, the courage of an entrepreneur, and the mind of a business man. Not a bad combo, cowboy, The answer is to keep asking the questions and be honest, in my opinion.
I see a lot of monsters emerging from the sifting sands of the social media cyberspace world. Snake oil salesmen as you accurately described it to me, cheats, misunderstanding, dishonesty, a lot of low road taking.
The high road is always the best one to take, even if it takes a long time to get where one wants to be. This is me talking to myself as much as it is exchanging ideas with you. I hope you do not take it as pontification.
This is an expensive city and this culture is driven by money (and fame) so it is impossible to avoid feeling bad when there is a the lack of money.
All that glitters is not gold, my good man.
More soon
Peter
thanks for stopping by peter and thanks for the support. Writing the post was very cathartic. And all the support and comments have helped tremendously. Thanks again!