Is there anything more terrifying than that feeling that washes over us every once in awhile where we doubt everything we are, everything we want to be, everything we are doing?
I can’t think of a more horrifying feeling. But it is a feeling that we all must experience every now and then. The best that we can hope for is that these moments are short lived and fleeting, that we have the tools, strength and most importantly the support system to deal with them. I am lucky in that these moments don’t happen frequently.
I used to deal with depression. I am fortunate that is has not been an issue for me in over 7 years. And I think the thing that allowed me to turn the corner was my ability to recognize what was happening. One thing that too often occurs among the depressed is that they don’t even realize they are depressed. They feel the joylessness, they see the beauty around them, the hope and promise of life, all those people out there having such a good time, and they think it is them. They think there is something wrong with themselves. That somehow they are apart. They don’t get to enjoy life like everyone else.
But that is just the depression talking. Not them. It is this bleak, dark blanket that envelops the world, removing all lightness. It is a heavy blanket that paralyzes the soul, the mind, the will to fight back, to “rage rage, against the dying of the light.”
So What’s Going On?
You might have thought I wasn’t going to tell you. Well, I am going to do precisely that. Because what I am doing doesn’t work unless I tell you exactly what is going on. My project is to be as public and transparent and honest as possible. It is the absolute demand of the social media revolution. It is the absolute demand of effective living and marketing. If I can’t be honest, how can I advise clients, friends, businesses to do so? It’s not always pretty people.
The truth is I have spent WAY too much money lately. I took a look at my bank accounts today and realized I have been incredibly foolish with my spending. I knew it was going to be the case. I was terrified of checking in on my Mint account. That darned thing, with its trends and spending patterns and budgets. Damn you Mint.
But, it isn’t Mints’ fault. It is mine. I have been going out, cavorting, spending, hosting, buying drinks, treating my friends and family and even total strangers to my war chest. This is who I am. My weakness has always been with budgeting. It is one of the reasons I pursued and stayed in the financial business so long. It was the one line of work where I figured I could spend with impunity and not ever have to worry.
But its reached a different level lately. And it has to do with my work. I consider it a very integral part of my business to go out as much as I can, to meet as many people as I can, to eat in as many restaurants, to check out the latest bars and venues. It is a good job to have. But obviously I am feeling the effects of its downsides today.
And this is not really an income problem. My business is expanding and I’ve recently signed two new clients. And yet I worry if I’ll always be playing the perennial game of catch up. Earning more to spend more to earn more. That is a dirty cycle that I want to get a hold on. I want to understand the roots of why I spend so much. I think I have some ideas and they are related to the spending routines my parent’s had. They were foolish with their money.
Sometimes I wonder if this will just be one of the issues I’ll always have to deal with. And yet as I’ve grown and matured. As I’ve started my own business, as I’ve learned to sell it seems that restraining my natural tendencies to spend carelessly have even gotten worse. I have simply got to get a handle on this.
It is up to me, and I think I might be in for the fight of my life. Ok, thanks for listening. More on this later, but in order to head this panic attack off, I am going to do some yoga to clear my mind and my body.
Image Source: Howdy, I’m H. Michael Karshis on Flickr
{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }
thanks for sharing, speaking out and being honest. depression is so misunderstood. a lot of people read your blog – i am a depression advocate (had severe post-partum depression with severe panic attacks). hope you never feel a panic attack again.
Helen, it had been awhile for me. It wasn’t full on, but i could feel it coming and immediately recognized it and asked for help from the wonderful support system. Thanks for coming by and offering your support.
Been there done that and the consequences are always interesting. Especially as a web worker its an interesting juggle between spending and not spending.
.-= David´s last blog ..The Current State of Pinehaven =-.
It really feels like I have to entertain in order to meet new people, land new business, project an image of authority and strength. There are downsides. Thanks for the support my friend. I know you have dealt with similar though more serious issues and I respect you for how you have openly talked about it
wow! I can’t believe you quoted Rodney Dangerfield from Back to School. “rage againgst the dying of the light” ha. douchey.
.-= alexandra bevin cohen´s last blog ..Oh, the Olympics. =-.
don’t worry…you’ll figure out a solution. most of the anxiety is created when you ignores what is frightening and you’ve called it. good luck!
It’s a really bad time Zach. We are all suffering and we are all trying to somehow make things normal again by spending money etc…
We should def discuss this all Monday. Great stuff and couldn’t agree more on the transparency. It’s the only thing that can save us.
.-= Theunknownchef´s last blog ..“instigating the food fight of our lives” =-.
Money is a bit of a comfort to me. In fact it is a lot of a comfort to me. Thanks for the words of wisdom. I consider you a mentor and friend and peer and look forward to taking our relationship to the next level soon.
Oh Zach. I’m reading this after finding out what my son’s 1st grade tuition is going to be–a ridiculous bargain by NYC standards but also another reminder of the way the city will take everything you give and then more. Look, I am in no way encouraging you, but I think at least part of your spendy-ness comes from a generous, life-loving place–the part of you that says yes to life. Balance is so hard to find. Hope you find some in yoga.
.-= Adriana´s last blog ..The sustainable food train is gaining momentum =-.
Darling Ms V,
It is partially the city we live in where even a couple of drinks and a light dinner can set you back 80 bucks. That being said, I have expensive tastes and eat out often. But I do have to strike the right balance between generosity and insanity, particularly if today is the result.
Z
Zach I can totally relate. This is so me! I go along doing great on my budget, then I get a little bit off track. Then, I do everything I can to not check my balance. It all comes together in the end, and in those moments of anxiety and frustration I know that all is not lost, and that I can get back on track. I, like you hope this is not forever…
Thanks for sharing, reading this post makes me feel normal.
Hey Zack!
I can certainly relate… champagne tastes on a beer budget and a generous nature! The occasional panic attack comes with that territory for sure. I want to recommend a book to you. It probably won’t jive with everything about your life in NYC – which of course has it’s own spending pressures. But it’s a great read if you want to really explore your relationship to money. It’s called “Your Money or Your Life” – It’s featured on our front page at the moment in the “books to get you started ” section.
Hope that’s helpful!
Take care,
Liz
Liz thanks for the note and words of support. I am sure I overdramtized a bit, but will check out that book for sure. hope things are well for you!
Z
I really wish people would stop mis-using the word “panic attack.”
Panic attacks are a real medical and psychological condition, not moments of mere cognitive doubt that everyone has.
During a panic attack, your heart pounds, the room spins, your vision blurs, you have trouble breathing, you literally feel like you are having a heart attack or dying.
I have experienced 2 panic attacks, both side effects of medical problems. The first happened when I experience an asthma attack while on a jogging trail alone, and the other when someone drugged me at a bar – that was the only time I have ever been taken to the hospital in an ambulance, and I was sick all the next day.
Some people have a true panic disorder – anxiety is the primary cause, and it interferes with their lives on a near daily basis.
If you truly consider yourself to be socially responsible, please do not take lightly the language that you use, especially since language is really the only thing that people know you by.
Elaine, thanks for the gut check. I have had several panic attacks throughout my life that have been medically diagnosed my psychiatrists and analysts. This was without a doubt a panic attack.
Z
I have the same issues with money *all the time*. Here’s the thing. Life’s short. Fear is evil. When we feel like our financial situation is out of control, fear sets in. It’s a matter of balance and control. If it all gets to be too much, always take care of the big things, rent, mortgage, gas, electric, food. The others can usually be worked out, whether that is by taking on extra jobs, payment plans, or creative financing. We are so blessed really, if you take a look at the big picture.
.-= Heidi from Savory Tv´s last blog ..An Interview With Italian Chef Renato Piccolotto =-.
A simple NYC trick – as much as one loves wine, always drink beer…..it’s an immediate 50% cost reduction at most places, and by now, most restaurants have very good food-compatible beer lists. You’ll also eat less too, due to the volume difference.
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